Source: http://www.diversityactions.com/images/button.gif

An undiscussable is a work-related problem that people hesitate to address with those who can do something about it. It isn’t that people don’t talk about undiscussables. They talk about them frequently — in the hallways and parking lots, bathrooms and across the cubicles. But it isn’t with the person or the people most often associated with the issues. AKA “the dead moose on the table,” it’s what people come out of a meeting to share with one another privately that should have been part of the agenda.
Source: Unfolding Leadership

In every organization, there’s is that which must not be spoken of. We spend our time avoiding it. It is a truth that some know but will not share. It is a truth that exists but no one acknowledges but everyone lives by. It is a truth that results in exile, that is never spoken because those who know it would rather use it as a weapon against those they are responsible for and to. In fact, it is to phrase these truths in inoffensive ways that administrators spend hours crafting a 2-3 paragraph memo or email.

In these organizations, the undiscussables are just so because they are too ridiculous to speak aloud, so obvious in their deceitfulness, their duplicity, that to “put the skunk on the table” is to get yourself fired or to be excluded. I’ve experienced it and seen it happen. And, I can think of no better reason to end up ostracized or dismissed from service. But really, who wants that? I have a family to support, not to mention 2 dogs, a house, vehicles, credit card companies, as well as the all-important U.S. economy on my back. What to do about truth-telling?

At Unfolding Leadership, the following suggestions are made:

1. Begin by identifying to yourself the undiscussable that needs to be addressed.
2. Introduce the topic to the group as a possibility for discussion.
3. When you get there, start by talking about how to discuss any undiscussable. First, establish ground rules, and don’t be naive about them. Don’t say, for example, that we will “separate the problem from the person.” It’s poppycock. If we could have done that, the issue wouldn’t have become undiscussable. Instead, help the group agree to rules that are about staying open at tough moments, maintaining vulnerability, mutual learning, respect, forgiveness, and support, being willing to listen and disclose, and using one’s freedom to identify feelings not act them out. Second, establish a plan for the conversation itself.
4. Have the conversation. If you use the facts, perceptions, feelings model, write this stuff down on three (or more) flipcharts or on a white board. Sort out the facts and perceptions first, then focus on the feelings the perceptions are driving. Stick to the process and keep it moving. It may feel risky to get even this far, so as leader you’ll need to show that you are with the group by asking questions, thanking folks for speaking up, probing to help people articulate what bothers them the most, and, for sure, owning your part of the problem.
5. Move to action planning and decisions.
6. Follow-up. Don’t let the issue drop just because people got a chance to talk about it. Rather, bring people together again later to collectively assess progress on the action steps.

Having gone through this process a few times, and I won’t give myself more than a “B” for a grade and that’s probably three grades too high, it’s step 3 that’s the hardest. Each of us is wrapped up in the problem…we either actively contributed to it then realized that the contribution was a mistake, or deep down, we still think this is THE only way to be successful but realize it’s not working. Telling the truth means letting it work its power on you, too, not just everyone else.

Nicholas Humphrey wrote, “To speak the truth among people who do not want to hear it is considered almost an aggressive act–an invasion of privacy, a trespass into someone else’s space. Not nice, not done.” My experiences lead me to the idea that speaking the truth IS always an aggressive act to those who prefer to dwell in lies. Regrettably, sometimes each of us may find him/her-self in such a fragile dwelling.

Diane (Journeys) asks a question in a comment that I consider to be naive. Yes, naive. I do not write that to be rude, but rather as a measure of my own “jadedness.” I who stand on the other side of youth, who look back to where Diane is standing, know the reality of these truths that go unspoken.

My question is: if they didn’t have time to adequately study the new proposal, why did the Board approve it? Seems unprofessional, to say the least.

They approved it because they wanted to get it over with. They approved it because they’d tried to have a conversation and wouldn’t commit to letting go of their own agendas. Perhaps, they honestly disagreed and appreciated the underhandedness of one group sneaking a copy in…maybe it’s easier to blame someone else than to take responsibility for working through the issues?

Yes, it was unprofessional. It is far better to lie, to deceive, to maneuver and spring an attack. The only problem is that we’re educators. What we do reflects on who we are, and impacts how we interact with our students and those we lead.

For me, there is only one answer for such unprofessionalism. The easy answer is to leave, the harder, to remain and face it. While some claim that leaving is possible–in some cases, you just don’t have a choice–it is far more important to remain and to speak the truth. To proclaim it from the mountains, to shine a spotlight on what is there. Yes, it is unprofessional, Diane. But, those are the games people play. Now, we have an option.

Used to be, if you wanted to get a message out into the market, you would give a talk at a conference, a reporter would write down some of what you said and mangle the rest, and you’d call it a day. Or, you could shortcut the process by simply giving an interview to the reporter and letting him mangle what you said directly. These days, you have the option of staying home, blogging in your underwear, and not having your words mangled. I think I like the direction things are headed. Mid-year resolution #1: No more public speaking. Mid-year resolution #2: More blogging.
Source: Marc Andreessen

Yet, the one lesson I have to keep in mind is that if one commits to staying, to making a difference, then problems must be resolved. Simply, my goal isn’t to prove the other person wrong, to show them up as a liar, but to find better ways to work together. It is a hard lesson, one that I am ever reminding myself to practice.

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