While at a Conference yesterday (Thursday), I was edgy and found myself drifting apart from others. In fact, I found myself unable to be around people. At first, I thought it might be the hermit-writer syndrome manifesting itself, but a chance remark on Facebook–which I set back up again earlier this week–reminded me of the real reason. I realize now I’d pushed it aside, my defense mechanisms kicking in to keep me focused. His death is a simple reminder that sometimes what moves us is unknown until written down in reflection.

You see, yesterday, 4 years ago, my father passed away. His name was James Gordon Guhlin. And, yesterday, in the hustle and bustle of the day, I forgot what I had vowed to remember at the start of the week…that Dad breathed his last at the very moment I dressed for dinner, throwing on some clothes, moving fast to be alone, a plate of Ironworks BBQ and good book in my hand. I’d like to say that I remembered, that I had that plate of BBQ in relative solitude in his memory. But I did not. All I know is I wanted to be alone, apart.

Should I feel guilty that date and time slipped by me? Should I feel good that the date and time of his passing lay its hand upon my shoulder yesterday, a ghostly, albeit unseen, reminder of Death’s passing?

What good would such guilt do now. I’d like to think that Dad would have relished that plate of BBQ, a good book (ebook, though)–although he didn’t quite “get” science fiction…Ludlum and L’Amour were more his style–and wouldn’t begrudge me that.

That aside, I know my Mom still feels his loss. For her, visiting the grave site is a weekly trip, one that I cannot make. I’m not sure why, though I suspect that visiting a grave site brings me no comfort, only moments of discomfort staring at a stone that is poor tribute to the man who gave all for his family.

For now, the picture of a sunny day at the cemetery so long ago will have to do…and this blog entry of atonement.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him, and I hope, that by sharing this with you, I may honor him who gave me life.

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Everything posted on Miguel Guhlin’s blogs/wikis are his personal opinion and do not necessarily represent the views of his employer(s) or its clients. Read Full Disclosure